Novocaine(2025)

It genuinely pains me when I have to say that a movie has absolutely nothing going for it, but, in the case of this celluloid trainwreck, I can come up with no other way to describe it. This overlong, frequently implausible, gratuitously violent, truly stupid offering from directors Dan Berk and Robert Olsen is one of the worst excuses for a film that I have ever seen, and I’m not exaggerating when I say that. The film tells the story of Nick Caine (a.k.a. “Novocaine”) (Jack Quaid), a 30-something credit union assistant manager who suffers from a rare genetic disorder that shields him from experiencing any kind of pain or discomfort when injured, even though the physical damage to his body is real enough. He’s something of a sheltered, geeky milquetoast, having lived much of his life isolated from many of its everyday experiences as a means to protect him from potential undue harm. So it’s highly inconceivable that he somehow knows how to skillfully handle himself when caught up in a robbery of his workplace and his subsequent one-man amateur pursuit of the bad guys when they escape with a hostage, one of the facility’s tellers (Amber Midthunder), who also happens to be his new girlfriend. However, as this scenario plays out, the narrative grows progressively more preposterous with every passing frame, much of it designed to show how many times he can be shot, beat up and brutally hacked apart without ever feeling anything and yet still be able to keep going with his mission. Because of this, the sequence of events becomes increasingly repetitive, ever-more farfetched and just plain dumb, with ridiculous, over-the-top plot developments that fail to engage and frequently feature incongruous and unoriginal dialogue. But, to add real insult to injury, this release bills itself as a comedy but is virtually devoid of humor except a smattering of one-liners that mostly fall flat. This offering is so ineptly executed that it makes productions like “Joker 2” and the “John Wick” movies look like masterpieces by comparison. Indeed, if you’ve watched the trailer for this one, you’ve seen all you really need to see. “Novocaine” is a sorry excuse for contemporary filmmaking and a prime example of everything that’s wrong with the domestic motion picture industry these days, a cinematic cautionary tale for film school students on how not to make a movie. By all means, skip this one, even when it becomes available for streaming.